Reading other people’s words, and even more so reading words from people I know, I always feel that sense of envy. Everyone writes so eloquently on their blog. It sounds so mysterious, so sophisticated. Here I am ranting the way I speak: incoherently, rambling. I don’t even know correct grammar anymore. Why can’t I write with such beauty? I’m so embarassed, I can’t even reread anything I write. I wrote some yelp reviews yesterday and thinking back on it right now, I can’t believe I sound so ridiculous, so air-headed, so lame.
At the same time, writing is one of those things that I guess I don’t care enough about to improve (although I really should at least in the professional aspect because I’ll need it in the work world, at least for applying and in some aspect of my job). I’ve somewhat accepted that I don’t write very well; it’s not one of those things that I dwell on too much when I read other people’s writing. I just kind of admire how well other people write on their blogs and continue on my style of writing on mine. I guess, I do it to get it out, to rant so as to not bottle it up completely, and hopefully it helps or just to make record of it (even if I never look at it again). It’s my own diary, so if I sound super ditzy or ridiculous and nonsensical when I’m doing an angry rant, so be it. I just need it out there, and share my emotions.
My wonder is, why can’t I be so accepting of myself in all other aspects. I am so self-loathing and self-blaming for basically everything. “Oh everyone does this so well, does this better. Why am I so bad?” Or when I am bad at something, it makes me feel terrible, that I’m such a failure, but when other people are bad at something, everyone loves them and thinks it’s adorable. I know half of the problem is me. I could shake it off and make light of it. I mean, who can be good at everything right? There will always be someone better. But I know part of it is just how other people view people. I’m just not one of those people that everyone loves and fawns over. I don’t really need to be, but it’d be nice to feel that kind of acceptance and appreciation that I at least exist in the world.
I know the first step is self-acceptance, and that’s always the hardest part. How do I get rid of all these negative thoughts and feelings and just accept me for me with all my imperfections. Why can’t I be good enough for me? That’s all that really matters. My friends will always be better than me, but I’m not a complete failure. They may be better than me, but I’m decent. There are people worse off.
Self, we will keep working on this. I know it’s already been a long journey with very little progress and mostly setbacks, but let me just call ourselves out. We can do this. We can take the first step (even if we’ve done this many times) and identify our goal (in this moment of motivation and not self-loathing)